Ten ways to civilize Congress

Brought to you by the Opinion Staff

The Opinion Staff|January 13, 2014

  1. Introduce a babysitter: No more shutting down the entire government. This sitter will keep the peace. If people get rowdy and start saying harmful words, it’s the time out corner. Everyone else can play with the bills while the one in trouble has to stare into the corner of shame.
  2. Casual Friday: Everyone likes letting loose a bit. Now men and women of Congress can dress down in t-shirts and jeans. This can happen only happen after a progressive week, with no one in the time out corner.
  3. Gold stars: Who doesn’t want the famous gold star proudly displayed on his or her shirt? This reward results from thinking of good ideas that benefit both sides of an argument. See who can get the most!
  4. Team building exercises: Republicans and Democrats – no longer facing off over the dividing line, but instead catching each other in trust falls. Every month can feature a weekend full of cooperation, complete with obstacle courses and campfire songs.
  5. Memory wipe: Is there a controversial issue that no one can agree on? Forget the argument. Every time nothing is being done because one subject is distracting everyone, wipe everyone’s mind of the argument. They’ll forget about it and you can move on or present the idea in a way that makes everyone happy.
  6. Spray bottle: Originally used to train animals, this can also be applied to Congress. If a Congressman or woman is interrupting or being rude, spray him or her with water. If a Congressman or woman is filibustering or trying to divert attention from the topic, spray them with water. Congress showers cut meetings by hours.
  7. Glass house: Are you sick of Congress passing bills that don’t affect them? Let them live inside a glass house. Every time they break one of their own laws or bypass it with a loophole, have them throw rocks at their own houses.
  8. Release the hounds: Bring in puppies every other Friday as a stress reliever. Stress makes people more irritable, but puppies can lick that away. When nothing else seems to work, these lovable critters can make an appearance at important meetings.
  9. Rubber ducky: Interruptions are rude. Leaders of the free world cannot be rude. This rubber ducky will be held by the speaker, and only with the rubber ducky may you speak. If anyone attempts to speak over him or her, the appointed speaker reserves the right to squeak the ducky until the interrupter gets the hint.
  10. Survival games: Every month the political parties must send one representative to join the others in a game of survival. The chosen will go to a deserted island and work with the others to survive. Those not working together will be catapulted from the island. May the odds be ever in cooperation’s favor.